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Bar Room Etiquette
By: Brett
M. Parsons
It has come to my rather painful attention, through a great deal of research,that a great many of you are totally ignorant of proper bar room etiquette. While I have met many who have these lessons down cold, I have compiled this list of several simple rules for those of you not in the know. Following these rather simple guidelines will keep you from commiting any embarrasing bar room faux pas that may actually lead others to believe that you are a decent human being with a fair amount of intelligence, and I would hate to see that happen to anyone. My utmost concern for my fellow man, and women compels me to enlighten those of you who have no clue on how to be a consumate asshole from those of us who do!
1) Never tip the bartender, and or waitress. Doing so may prompt fast courteous service, perhaps even with a smile, and thus depriving you of just one more completely trivial thing to bitch about, because God knows your list of bullshit to gripe about is nowhere near long enough yet, and you really need that one last thing to make your list complete.
2) Never pass up an opportunity to voice your assinine opinions in as loud and obnoxious a manner as is humanly possible. Failing to do so may deprive others of the extreme pleasure of pounding your body into exquisite and exciting, if not excruciating new shapes and kicking your ass out the door to come to rest on the sidewalk out front in a boneless bloody heap somewhat approximating, oh, let's say, a lump of mush.
3) Never pass up an opportunity to scarf someone elses lighter because you were too stupid to bring one of the three hundred you have stolen before. The damn things only cost $1.19 anyway, and they really won't mind coughing up the cash for your benefit, besides, it just gives them reason too steal someone elses, and let them have some of the fun too. Besides, you really need that green Bic to set off your collection of 39 green ones you already have at home, not to mention the red ones, the white ones, etc.
4) Always put a ton of money in the jukebox so no one else can listen to what they want to hear, and have to listen to your music only for several hours. After all EVERYONE wants to listen to "Freebird" for the billionth fucking time
5) Always go to the bar to watch
that all important ball game or race. That way everyone will have the honor
and pleasure of hearing you whine and bitch because you can't see the TV,
because it's a rinky dink 19 inch chained up near the ceiling with a ton
of dust on it because Jesus watched his first game on it, and some bozo
is playing "Freebird" on the jukebox for the billionth fucking time. After
all, you could have stayed home and watched it on the 42 inch Sony Home
Theatre System with Dolby Surround Sound you blew your whole income tax
refund check on, where the beer is cheaper and you don't have to stand
in line to go to the can. Everyone will love you for it.
I hope you enjoyed my little bit of social satire. As always, I welcome your comments and criticism. If you have anything you would like to say regarding this piece, you can Email me by Clicking Here
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